Forgiveness: A Journey to Healing

Discovering the Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves

We carry so much weight from the stories we tell ourselves—stories of pain, betrayal, and resentment. For years, I held onto those stories like armor, convinced they protected me. But over time, I realized they were only keeping me stuck.

Forgiveness wasn’t something I thought I’d ever give my father. The pain he caused felt insurmountable. The abuse, the abandonment, the betrayal—his actions left scars I wasn’t sure would ever heal. For years, I told myself the story that he didn’t care, that he didn’t love me, and that I was better off without him.

But here’s what I’ve learned: forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone else’s behavior. It’s about freeing yourself. It’s about taking back your power and rewriting the stories you’ve been telling yourself about the past.

The Stories That Keep Us Stuck

For much of my life, I saw my father as the villain in my story.

The physical and verbal abuse was one thing, but it was his absence during my mom’s cancer battle that cut the deepest. When she was fighting for her life, he was nowhere to be found. And when he disappeared during COVID, leaving with my mom’s jewelry, the house, and everything she wanted me to have, I was sure of it: he didn’t care about me.

I interpreted it as abandonment. He left me broke, grieving, and unable to rebuild after dedicating years to caring for my mom. I told myself he didn’t care if I lived or died. Each day, that resentment grew, reinforcing the narrative that I was alone and unloved.

The Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t until a much-dreaded trip to the East Coast that I began to see the cracks in my story.

I realized how heavy the resentment was, how much space it took up in my life. It wasn’t freedom—it was a burden, keeping me from truly enjoying the life I was trying to build.

I didn’t want to lose another loved one and realize too late that I had the power to change the story. I knew something had to shift.

Choosing a New Path

The hardest part of forgiveness is giving up the need to be right. I had to let go of the small details I’d clung to, the pieces that made him “wrong” and me “right.”

When we finally had a conversation, something unexpected happened. I listened—not through the lens of my anger, but with an open heart. For the first time, I heard my father’s truth.

He told me he had me at 19, with no idea how to be a father. He was carrying his own traumas, running from his pain in ways that hurt me deeply. It didn’t erase what happened, but it gave me context. It gave me a way to see him as a human being, not just the villain I’d made him out to be.

He believed my mom’s overbearing tendencies and boundless love were coddling me, making me weak. He wanted to toughen me up, believing it would help me fight, survive, and succeed long after they were both gone, leaving me alone in this world. He felt forced to play the bad cop. In his mind, my anger and bitterness would drive me to prove myself, to rise above my circumstances. He thought my life was better off without him—that his absence would make me stronger.

Never assume you know what’s best for someone else. When my fiancé showed him photos of me shooting a gun, rolling around learning BJJ, and practicing Krav Maga saying "She loves to fight alright", my dad’s eyes filled with tears. He quickly ran to the bathroom, composed himself, and returned to say to my fiancé, “Thank you. I don’t have to worry about her anymore.”

Had I stayed committed to my own pain and justifications, I never would have known this was his reality. In his own way—however flawed—he thought he was protecting me, doing the best he could with the tools he had. It gave me the gift of understanding, a reminder that people often act with good intentions, even if their execution is misguided.

The Hard Reality of Forgiveness

Forgiveness didn’t change the past, but it changed me.

I learned that my father wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt me—he was running from his own pain. He always felt inadequate and isolated, making decisions that he thought would make me stronger but instead left me feeling broken and abandoned.

The decisions we make for others can be so misguided. But by choosing to forgive, I released the weight of those decisions from my shoulders.

Healing Through Connection

When I found out my dad was struggling financially, my first instinct should have been anger. A few years ago, I would have thought, “Great, another person taking from me. I’m so tired”, "He's probably still gambling blowing my hard earned money on dumb shit."

But this time, I felt something different. I felt joy. Joy in being able to help him, share my learnings, in taking the first step toward creating the family I’ve always wanted. It wasn’t about fixing everything—it was about showing up, one small moment at a time. Rebuilding trust.

The greatest gift came when he said, “Today was the happiest day of my life.”

The Power of Allowing Change

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the past. It means creating space for something new to grow.

We’re allowed to reset, to evolve, and to love in new ways. When we let go of the need to control others and focus on our own growth, we create the possibility of magical healing.

Today, I have a new relationship with my dad. It’s not perfect, and it never will be. But it’s real. And I know my mom would be so happy to see us here—healing, together, one step at a time.

The Lessons I Learned

Forgiveness isn’t about the other person—it’s about you. Holding onto resentment keeps you stuck, while forgiveness sets you free. Here’s what I learned through my journey:

1. Resentment Is Heavy, and It Doesn’t Serve You.The stories we tell ourselves about others can keep us in a cycle of anger and pain. Ask yourself: is this story helping you, or is it holding you back?
2. Forgiveness Is a Choice, Not a feeling. It's not about waiting until the anger disappears—it’s about deciding to let go of the weight that’s keeping you from moving forward.
3. Empathy Changes Everything.Hearing someone’s story without judgment opens the door to understanding. You don’t have to agree with their choices to see their humanity.
4. Healing Starts with You. You can’t control others, but you can control how you show up. Take the first step—whether it’s a conversation, a letter, or simply releasing the need to be right.
5. Selective Amnesia. When people ask about my dad, I no longer feel the need to explain or revisit the past. I purposely erase any recollection of past. True forgiveness is accepting what happened, allowing others to grow, and treating them as who they are today.

Lessons You Can Apply

If you’re holding onto resentment or struggling with forgiveness, here’s how you can begin your own journey:

• Identify the Story You’re Telling Yourself.Write it down. What’s the narrative you’ve created about the person or situation? Is it completely true, or are there assumptions woven into it?
• Ask Yourself What You Want Do you want peace? Connection? Freedom from the pain? Let your desire for healing outweigh your need to hold onto the past.
• Take One Small Step Toward Healing.This might mean reaching out, reflecting in a journal, or simply letting go of the thought that keeps you stuck. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event.

Closing Thoughts: Honor the Time You Have

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: life is too short to carry the weight of resentment. Every day is an opportunity to rewrite your story and choose love over anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it gives you the power to create a new future. For me, it’s allowed me to rebuild a relationship with my dad—not a perfect one, but a real one.

Don’t wait for the perfect moment to heal. Start today, because nothing is guaranteed—not time, not relationships, and not tomorrow.

Resources to Go Deeper

• Journaling Prompts:

What story am I telling myself about this person?

How does this story serve me—or hold me back?

What would it feel like to let this story go?

• Recommended Resources:

Something that supported me. Resources on Forgiveness by Tara Brach https://www.tarabrach.com/forgiveness

• Support for the Journey:

Consider seeking therapy or speaking with someone you trust. Healing doesn’t have to be a solo process.